So now, not only am I a blogger but I am an internet dater. In fact, I have gone one beyond that. I am in fact a sex texter or is it a text sexer? I am having sex via text…there I said it. He sends me a paragraph of written filth and I send him one back…he sends me one, I send him one…oh…yes…oh…oh…oh…YESSSS! If you get my drift, or at least that is what I am doing in the spaces between frantic texting or trying to find my reading glasses so I can better note the letters. Otherwise I guess he could receive something like “ctm, aabw, bum” – maybe he is…oh god that might mean something in Welsh! Likelihood is though, what with my vast internal dictionary plus superb level of manual dexterity – I am making at least someone, very happy. Now there’s a nice thought… On the other hand he might be watching an old episode of The Professionals on Freeview Channel 7968576 or similar and every commercial break he absent mindedly reaches for his mobile and in thirty seconds flat delivers his most expert filth to mine… And thats the other thing about mobiles – last night he sent a text “how about a picture of your (mmm..never mind what he called it my favorite word is Quim – yes with a capital so thats what I will put) Quim?” Well of course, to anyone under twenty five thats a shrug of the shoulders, maybe a grunt, a click and the gorgeously soft click of nails on keypad and in thirty seconds – Sir (as he shall be known) has an up close and extremely personal piccy of yer Quim. But, of course, I am not twenty five nor even thirty five, but forty five, so its a scramble to the mirror to check it for any stray white hairs…and then seven full minutes of naked posing trying to get that special close up. Being unmathematical and well…stoopid basically it took me forty minutes to work out which way to point the camera…and just when you think you got that perfect shot there in the background is…The Jack Russell Terrorist with that slightly embarrassed look that dogs seem to get when admonished for some misdeed or other…and as my mate Shazza says “how do you get yours to smile…I cant get a decent mugshot..” Anyway, by the time I had finished my naked contortions, a four minute interlude to grin in satisfaction at my having got Quim in shot and then a forty minute lecture to self on horrors of internet porn and dislike of readers wives efforts..I had no network coverage anyway! By the time I did the moment had passed and Sir had to forego his portrait of my Quim…and anyway, he only saw it in close up three weeks ago – has he forgotten what it looks like already?! Cos, oh yes…we not only sex texting…no! Really…I am having sex…and not of the virtual kind either!
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