Thursday, 18 November 2010

Definition of a Good Parent...

I know now the definition of a good parent.  I know this because I am one.  I know this because whenever I hoover up Small Child’s beads from her bedroom floor I feel a tremor of guilt.  I have hoovered up a lot of her belongings over the last eight years.  All manner of small toys have disappeared into the Henry never to be seen again.  Pink, plastic jewellry from shiny paged comics, lip glosses, hair clips and slides.  If McDonalds made their free toys any smaller I’d have gladly hoovered them all and relished the swoosh, crunch, clunk as I delivered them swiftly to their dusty destination.

This week though, Small child has a stuffed up nose and a bark of a cough and I mentioned this at work.  A helpful colleague suggested a few drops of Olbas Oil in a saucer of water in her bedroom will do wonders for her breathing. “Ah!” says I, Olbas Oil, yes I have some of that at home in the medicines bag.

Now, I would like to be the owner of a medicine chest but being the owner of the Smallest Bathroom in the World I am reduced to a Medicine Bag kept in the airing cupboard.   It is not the same at all and it is hidden towards the back of the cupboard due to the shame effect.  Incidentally, I would also like to be the kind of mother who carries tissues but toilet paper is a luxury in my house.

Anyway, that evening,  well after bedtime, I began to look for the tiny bottle amidst the medicinal paraphenalia in the bag.  I rummaged awhile, pausing only to check the date on a packet of Strepsils (use by Jun 02) and wonder as to why I had amassed two and a half tubes of KY Jelly when I cannot call to mind any occasion I have ever used the stuff.  Its true I am mostly alcoholicly relaxed when sex happens upon me, but hey surely I would have remembered at least one such session?  I did what I always do in cases of mild embarrassment – I say (either to myself or to anyone close enough to hear) “must be her dads, he used it for his photography – all the professionals do.”)  This incidentally, covers many situations and I highly recommend it to others with an absent parent.

Anyway, whilst rummaging I suddenly remembered the last time we’d reason to use the Olbas Oil, and how it had been left in her bedroom for a while until oops it was knocked to the floor and, let me tell you NOTHING survives my hoovering.  Small child has lost friends to my hoover – nice children but lightweight.  So, there I was at 11pm that night with sheets of newspaper spread over the floor and the hoover bag ripped open before me, my hands grim with dust and dog hair floating before my tired eyes, searching for that bottle..

You see, I am a good parent.  And. if a professional says Olbas Oil then Olbas Oil it is – nothing is too good for Small Child.

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