Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Fify Shades of Bum Cheek Red - A lighthearted extremely serious review of Fifty Shades of Grey....

Most people, certainly most writers, will know by now, that for much of this year, one of the top selling novels in both the US, Canada and the UK, is an ‘erotic’ work, part of a trilogy which is now known affectionately as ‘Fifty Shades..’ by EL James – a first time, middle aged female novelist, who said of her success,

“I could have divorced my husband or bought a car in my forties, instead I wrote a novel.”

It’s the story of a twenty-year-old virgin – obviously it isn’t set in the UK – who begins an affair with, ‘the most beautiful man (she has) ever seen’ – a tycoon, who also (sigh) pilots his own helicopter. Let’s face it though, most tycoon’s can appear pretty attractive, huh girrrrls?
Although, your average, local lad, Ron, once a proud, fit ‘ banger-in-of-rivets’ at the local shipyard, and now on the checkout at Tesco, due to the ‘Back to Work’ campaign by the Coalition government, does appear to lose a little of his appeal beside such obvious glamour – especially when he’s filling you in on the latest BOGOF deal, or wondering whether you’d noticed your Coronation Chicken still had feathers.
Anyway, Ron, sadly, isn’t in ‘Fifty Shades’, which is the tale of the rather strange relationship that develops between the twenty year old virgin, and the tycoon. At this point I’d like to be able to say it involves many aspects of bondage, domination and submission, sadism and masochism but I am not sure that a couple of over-the-knee spankings really qualify it.
Masochism may be stretching it a little far actually, given the fact that the twenty year old virgin does not appear at any point to have any sexual fantasy of her own at all,  let alone the desire to get her nipples chewed off and spat out like a couple of Coco Crispies the dog got hold of, but didn’t much fancy.  No, our heroine simply goes along with what the ‘weather events’ in her knickers are telling her – wet patches in one particular area, and it’s not Wolverhampton. In any case, he buys her an expensive sports car, an apple Mac and, Oh God knows what else – does that sound like suffering to you?  No, me neither.
Anyway, as well as having ‘dark copper eyes’ and ‘steel grey hair' – oops, that may have been the other way round – though do we care? Really? No, thought not. As well as those particular features, he has, it would appear, just the one teensy little character flaw…. It’s so small you almost don’t notice it, but then at about page thirty-nine it hits you…bam!  Right between the eyes, the man is, quite simply…..unbelievable. Oh and he’s also a ‘pervert’, though stood against a twenty year old virgin my eighty-six year old Auntie Lil could look somewhat shady…
Yes, Mr Billionaire Tycoon Grey (he of the Fifty Shades) or BTG as we shall now call him, has had a bit of a raw deal in life, a heavy cross to bear.  He’s a sexual dominant, who does not like to be touched…. ever.  Ain’t life a bitch?!  Not only does he have to suffer his sexually perverted desires, but he also cannot have ‘normal’ sex, (whatever that might be these days), because, having ‘normal’ sex would mean being touched, wouldn’t it?
G0sh, it used to be so simple; meet a prince in the forest, sing nicely, stroke a few furry things, kill a couple of witches, get married…
Back to BGT and let’s see if we can get to the ‘bottom’ of the problem – he certainly does himself, on Page 124, Page 138, and Page 564.
He has this ‘Red Room of Pain’ in his house which is where he takes the twenty year old (sadly no longer a virgin at this point) to punish her.  I sympathise, really, I do.  I have a ‘room of pain’ in my house too.  It’s where my eleven year old sleeps and throws clothes, toys and books, all over the floor. Believe me, I know about pain.
‘But why?’ I hear you cry, ‘What has the Twenty Year Old No Longer A Virgin done to deserve punishing? Has she crashed the car he bought her?  Oh God, not the helicopter!
No, none of the above.
She ‘rolled her eyes’. Yes, that’s right, she rolled her eyes.  Now, there was one point, early in the story, where it occurred to me that all this ‘eye rolling’ and the subsequent punishment spankings it produced, might not be the sort of ‘eye rolling’ familiar to most people.  I wondered if perhaps, the hapless TYONLAV (Twenty Year Old No Longer A Virgin) had performed some sort of revolting ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ type stunt, taken her eyes out from their sockets, and rolled them around a bit – maybe on his new rug or something?
It’s feasible though, isn’t it? I mean, I might want to spank her for that myself, especially if I slipped on one and broke my neck or something, but no, it was just good ol’ eye rolling as we know and love it.
Especially when our teenaged children do it. In front of their friends. Bless them.
So yes, our heroine keeps getting in his bad books and getting herself a red bottom, in the red room of pain.
Naturally, I found this very odd behaviour, but not quite so odd, as some of her other behaviour. Like, for instance, the fact that she says “Holy crap” every third paragraph, or worse “Double Crap”, progressing to “Holy Shit” and even “Oh fuck” but that is only when ‘He blows gently up the length of my sex’… yes, really, that is just one of the delicious lines to ponder, wonder at, and maybe, just maybe, roll your eyes – but watch out for passing billionaire tycoons..
For you see, right at the end of this wander down Debauchery Lane, the Twenty Year Old… oh you know who, gets Six of the Best, across the arse cheeks, with his belt.
Yes his belt, and apparently he doesn’t ‘hold anything back’ – I guess that’s the job of a belt -  but does she say ‘Fuck’ at this point, or even, and here you can call me a spoilsport if you like,
‘Fuck Off before your trousers fall down BTG’
No, she says….
‘One, ouch, two, scream, three, Holy Mackinoly’ (oh alright she doesn’t but you get my point!)
Anyway, I’m not one to spoil the ending so back to ‘the ‘length’ of her sex.. really?  Really? I thought girls had funny bits, maybe some are a little more ‘sticky out’ than others but lengths?  All this time me and the girls sat around discussing our new shoes we shoulda bin getting out the ruler and measuring our lengths..
I have to say I had to suspend a little disbelief with this novel. I know fantasy is very popular among the young but twenty-year-old virgins who get Apple Macs and fancy cars in exchange for having their bottoms spanked by beautiful billionaire tycoons? I mean, what is this ‘The Story of O (h I Wish I Had A Billionaire Helicopter Pilot To Spank Me Although I Wouldn’t Like It, But Oh Well, What Can You Do, No Billionaire Is Perfect?' Well, yes I suppose it is.

It an awful shame though, that this novel has so misrepresented the subject of Sexual Dominance and Submission, which is already greatly misunderstood in the public sphere.
Dominants thrive on the understanding that their submissive partner finds their sex life together just a little more than ‘hawt’, and beating someone as an act of anger is not the deal here. Beating someone and being beaten is viewed as an expression of mutual desire, one need complementing the other, each need fulfilled. Fulfilling your partners needs and desires? Hey that’s a little radical!

It’s about allowing women to finally grow up as sexual beings with desires of their own – even if you don’t share, or approve of those desires – BDSM is an area where women really do choose, and those choices should be as respected as any other, shouldn’t they?  (Fact is, there are plenty of submissive men out there and it’s not discussed alongside the issue of violence against women. Instead sexually dominant women are merely a joke.)
And that’s the real shame of this book – for in my experience the BDSM ‘scene’ is about partnering and giving, and absolute honesty – for if you can’t be honest about your desire to either give or experience sexual pain, then somebody is going to get seriously hurt.  What a shame the BGT had to go and turn out to be emotionally disturbed instead of a man who recognised his needs and was honest about them, and went and found himself a grown up gal who had a few of her own.  Mmm, maybe that's another story....
Though, quite frankly Ms James I wish you’d bought the car, and if you ask me, just for the ‘length of your sex’ you deserve a sound spanking!

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